I Feel –> Flustered

My mom didn’t let me go to the movies with John yesterday like I’d hoped she would.

She did, however, let him come visit me at a park a few blocks from my house. Not the most ideal meeting spot, since he isn’t too athletic, and he doesn’t like kids [ugh], but still, we had a good time. Talking, hugging, walking, enjoying the beautiful day.

Until he kissed me.

I knew it was  coming, because he was messing with my hair and pulling me closer to him…but when he actually started kissing me, I wanted him to stop. I didn’t feel the sparks like I thought I would. My heart didn’t start beating 10x faster. I felt uncomfortable. I tried kissing back, but couldn’t. He kept kissing me, and I guess he finally gave up.

He just pulled me into a tight hug, and I could feel his heart beating really fast. I didn’t let go of him. I was afraid he’d try and kiss me again.

And he knew it too. After a while, he asked, “Why are you still hugging me? It seems like you’re afraid that I’ll kiss you again. Or is it something else?”

“It’s nothing. I just like hugging you.”

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not.”

And that’s how we left things. After a bit I was able to compose myself once again and we resumed talking and walking around. He’d try pulling in for another kiss, but I refused. I wasn’t trying to be too obvious, although he did notice, and I know I hurt his feelings.

My parents weren’t home, so he was supposed to drive me home [surprisingly enough, my mom was okay with that]. I asked him to walk me home instead. I just wanted to clear my head a little, enjoy the breeziness of the day.

Later that night, he called me. It was not awkward or anything, but he brought up the kiss once again.

“I felt like you were avoiding another kiss or something after that.”

“No…I don’t know. I was cared.” Fuck. I’m so bad at this.

“I didn’t mean to pressure you or anything…”

“You didn’t. I promise.”

“Well, now I’m worried. I don’t know when it’ll be okay again for me to kiss you.”

I didn’t say anything. Because I had nothing to say. I’m not sure why I chose to react that way towards him. I don’t know why I refused his kisses. I know I still like him, otherwise this whole situation wouldn’t be bothering the fuck out of me…since yesterday, I’ve been so aloof, everyone’s noticed. I’m trying to sort everything out inside of my head. I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time, I have to keep in mind that it will happen eventually.

I need to make it up to him. Show him that I still care. Find a way to see him tonight, be the one to make the first move. Do I have the guts to do that? I really don’t know.

I’m so extremely flustered.  It’s keeping me from concentrating on the history paper that I really need to finish…I mean, start.

And, on top of all of that, my Spanish teacher died on Wednesday night. She was the sweetest little old lady. She died after a 4-month battle with cancer. Her wake is this Tuesday. I plan on going.