[Losing Trust]

I really fucked up today. 

Sydney, I finally got to see you!

But that wasn't the fuck up.

Today I was gonna stay at Sydney's school until 8:30 to see my sister perform in the color guard.

But I got out from school since 2:45.

And me and John had decided that we'd go eat afterschool.

Except I didn't want to tell my mom, because I was afraid that she wouldn't let me go. 

And so I said I was just going to chill around school.

But, in reality, John came to pick me up from school and we drove to a pizza place a few blocks down.

And, because I'm just that lucky, as soon as we got there...

my mom called me.

Except I couldn't lie to her about where I was.

And so I told her that I was with John.

And she freaked.

"It's not that I don't trust either of you...you should've told me where you were going before hand. How am I supposed to trust you now?"

Are you fucking kidding?!

I lied later and said that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and that it had completely slipped my mind that I should tell her where I was going.

I told him to not tell my sister anything, because she seemed really annoyed when she found out that I went and had lunch with him.

All the while, I feel so disillusioned about John.

I mean, I thought I had really fallen for him.

But while we [more he than me since I had already eaten lunch at school] were eating, we had conversation and all...

but I wasn't really enjoying myself.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like being around him...

but I guess it just wasn't what I expected.

I'm not sure what it was that I was expecting. 

But at the same time, I think that's partially my fault.

When I'm around him, I always try and tone down my excitement...and I make it seem like I don't care about anything that he says.

I mean, because I really do care about the stuff he says and everything... I just don't want to seem too excited because he'd probably think I was weird or something... I don't know.

That's not my intentions, but I guess it's sort of my own protection - I don't want to fall for him too hard...after all, he's going to leave for college soon.

Why get my heart broken?

I'm sort of confused now.

I'm really glad I saw you today Sydney.

Even though we didn't get to talk for too long, it made my day.

Love you.